


One Fine Day

by superfundsite (orphan_account)



Category: Red Dwarf (UK TV)
Genre: M/M, Making Out, Multi, Reunions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-24
Updated: 2020-05-24
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:27:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24352075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/superfundsite
Summary: Rimmer and Lister make their relationship known to the rest of the gang, and unknowingly influence Kris to take her own road back home.
Relationships: Dave Lister/Arnold Rimmer, Kristine Kochanski/Dave Lister
Comments: 4
Kudos: 27





	One Fine Day

**Author's Note:**

> originally started as a discord server convo about what kryten would do if he found out R/L were dating, and I decided to lengthen it beyond a little 1k drabble. @ Doug Naylor I dont trust you with this series. Fuck BTE all my homies think lister's obsession with kristine is out of hand and unhealthy and Kris deserves to be happy and back in her own dimension! 
> 
> title comes from Malcolm Mclaren's "Madam Butterfly (un bel di vedremo)" or the english translation of the italian part at least
> 
> no beta we die like men!!!

"Cheers, Krytes." Lister took his cup of afternoon tea from him, and leaning down, gave Rimmer a fleeting kiss. "Gotta go check the temperature reg on C deck, I'll be back in a couple hours." 

Rimmer hummed, not even skipping a beat as he raised his own cup to his lips (that Lister had kissed), and taking a sip. He kept on reading from the 20th century edition of Guide to Bullet Trains for the Budding Conductor, and took a biscuit from the tray. 

Kryten could almost be heard overheating as he stared in shock at what had just happened.

The first time he'd seen Lister kiss an actual real (at least, not an AR sprite) person, and it was… 

"Mister Rimmer!?" He cried shrilly, and Rimmer dropped his biscuit in his cup out of surprise.

"What, you insufferable tin man?"

"You… Mister Lister-" Kryten babbled, and Rimmer got that look of  _ not another systems crash, last time I hit him over the head with a croquet bat the bat snapped in half _ on his face again.

"Yes?" Rimmer's face scrunched in the  _ I haven't got all day, you oversized vibrator _ way. 

"You… kissed him!"

"He kissed me, rather." 

"But you hate each other!" 

"That's subjective." Rimmer scooped out the biscuit with his spoon and put it on his plate with a look of disdain, before holding his cup out to Kryten. "Refill please."

Kryten took one more look at Rimmer, wailed, and short circuited.

\---

"Rimmer, why is Kryten steaming from the mouth and ears, and why are you pressing the creases of your pants on his head?"

"He had a systems crash after you left, and I didn't want to bother with breaking another croquet mallet."

Lister nodded. "Huh. Well, I got to boot him up." 

"Be my guest, he's the one supposed to be doing the laundry, not me." Rimmer hung up his shirt neatly in his locker, not before placing a lavender sachet on the hanger. 

Lister sighed and got out his screwdriver, and once he had the access port to Kryten's terminal open, began to input the series of commands to help him reboot.

Kryten shuddered awake.

"Mister Lister! I must have crashed, oh deary me-"

"No problem, just came back from C deck. Everything's working alright. Rimmer was using you as an ironing board though, might wanna check your head for scorch marks."

"Mister Rimmer-" Kryten paused, then gasped. "Mister Rimmer!" He whipped around and stared open mouthed, before looking back and forth between them. 

He wailed again.

"Kryten! What's gotten into you, man?" 

"You-you-you-"

"Yes!?" 

"You kissed!"

Lister quirked his brow.

"Well, yeah." 

"But you hate each other?"

"Well, only on Tuesdays, really."

"Since when do you and Rimmer kiss each other during tea?"

"Since… yesterday night."

Kryten looked through his memory banks for what happened last night. Nothing of major significance. 

The night before that, however, Rimmer had come back.

And that entire day afterwards, Lister had been sequestered in his room with him, supposedly blackout drunk and heavily hung over, and Rimmer saying he was going to make sure he didn't drown in his own vomit before he came to. 

When Kryten offered to help, Rimmer had panicked, and shut the door in his face.

Oh, how could he have been so blind!

"Are you saying you're…."

"We're… together, yes." Rimmer's cheeks tinged pink, and Lister smiled at the hologram fondly. Kryten felt his head spin.

Quite literally, as Lister panicked and grabbed onto it, forcing it back into place.

"Kryten, chill out! 

“I can’t!” Kryten sobbed, and put his rubbery face in his rubbery hands. 

“Well, try, ‘cos you’ll be seeing a lot more of us around than before, and I don’t want to be picking up your pieces every time we happen to be in the same room.” Lister frowned and patted Kryten’s shoulder. “I mean… come on Krytes, it’s not gonna be like we’re going to be giving each other tonsil massages during supper.” 

The mental image made Kryten’s fans whir to life again, and Lister smacked the mechanoid lightly. “Calm down! You won’t even be able to tell a difference, right Rimmer?”

“Right.” Rimmer had sat down to set up a game of Solitaire. “You won’t be able to notice any changes. Apart from the obvious. Might take down the mattress from the top bunk to make an extra shelf, get a foldout bed for the bottom bunk. Something like that.”

“Rimmer…” Lister gave him a  _ too soon _ kind of look, and Rimmer shrugged.

Kryten made a squeaking, blubbering noise, and fled the room.

Rimmer sighed, and rolled his neck. “Well, I am right. I do hope that last night wasn’t a one time thing.”

“Of course not, you smeghead.” Lister draped his arms around Rimmer’s shoulders and bent down to give him a kiss, which Rimmer returned eagerly. His chair creaked and scraped as he scooted it back from the table, and Lister swung a leg over and sat down in his lap, thighs around Rimmer’s narrow hips.

“Good.” Rimmer cupped Lister’s face with one hand, and kissed him again. He sucked on his bottom lip, feeling it swell under his tongue, before loosely wrapping his arms around Lister’s waist and pulling him against him. He felt Lister arch his back, felt his belly press against his own. Lister’s dreads dangled over his shoulders, and Rimmer couldn’t help but feel fond as Lister tossed his head to throw them back, parting from their kiss momentarily.

“You’re handsome as hell, did I ever tell you that?”

“You’ve called me gerbil face and called my ass fat, but I don’t think you’ve ever called me handsome.” Lister grinned, as Rimmer smiled up at him and moved his hands down to cup Lister’s ass.

“Like two badly parked Volkswagen bugs.” Rimmer squeezed playfully, and Lister yelped. 

“Yeah, dunno if you wanna parallel park between ‘em. Might not be enough room.”

“I can find a way to fit, I always do.” Rimmer leaned in and his warm breath ghosted over Lister’s ear, making him shiver. “You don’t become Ace without learning a few tricks like that.”

Lister’s face felt hot. “Yeah? What other tricks have you learned, Ace?”

“Hm, let’s see. I’ve learned how to do this-” Rimmer, without any further warning, picked Lister up easily, and (gently) pinned him down to the table, scattering the playing cards to the winds. Lister let out a cry of surprise, which quickly turned into a delighted laugh as Rimmer began to kiss down his jaw to his neck, nimble fingers sliding up his shirt. Those hands left his warm stomach momentarily, to grip Lister’s hips and drag him down the slick metallic surface of the table so their groins pressed together, and Rimmer moaned softly at the contact. Lister hummed and tilted his neck to one side so Rimmer could nibble at his skin, worrying it between his teeth. His response was to hitch his thighs over Rimmer’s hips, and wrap his legs around his waist, rocking his hips.

“Very nice, Listy.” Rimmer murmured, in between burying his face in his neck and continuing to grope and squeeze his way up his shirt.

“All you got to say is ‘very nice’?”

“I’m no good at saying much more. You’re distracting me. My brain feels like porridge.” Rimmer’s voice is muffled against Lister’s skin, and Lister dug his fingers into his soft curls. He tugged gently, smoothing his hair through his fingers and feeling it bounce back into place, a touch frizzy, but still soft and relatively tame. Ever since he’d come back, it seems he’d done something to his hair to get it to cooperate. 

Rimmer continued kissing Lister, simply content with the close contact, the warmth of the body under him.

Lister’s eyes were closed, bathing in the affection the hologram showered upon him, until he felt Rimmer continue his kisses far down his neck, and his huge, warm hands shoved his faded t-shirt up over his chest.

Lister gave a little moan of appreciation, feeling Rimmer’s soft lips brush against his pecs, nipping at his skin, cupping and squeezing here and there. 

“God, where’d you learn to treat a guy like that?” Lister shivered at the combination of the cool air of the bunk room and the warm hands and mouth trailing down his belly, until Rimmer nuzzled against the strip of hair leading down past Lister’s waistband. 

He settled for kissing down the faint outline of the v of Lister’s hips as he replied, “the all boy’s boarding school, Listy, I learned much more than calculus there.” 

“Obviously,” Lister raked his nails over Rimmer’s scalp, and Rimmer shuddered. He was kneeling on the ground now, and he coaxed Lister to sit up on the edge of the table. Lister complied, and gazed down at Rimmer, whose face was flushed rather prettily, and his hair tousled.

“Now, show me just how much you learned, Rimsy.”

“Of course.” Rimmer grinned up at Lister as he grabbed hold of Lister’s fly, and tugged open the front of his leathers.

\---

Rimmer took the cigarette from Lister’s extended hand as it was offered to him, taking a long drag before passing it back.

“C’mon, bet you can get it in one.”

Rimmer rolled his eyes, and failed at blowing a smoke ring, but managed to successfully form the outline of some flesh eating amoeba. “Ugh, not even five years of being Ace could make me prepare for this. Blowing smoke rings in bed with my lifelong enemy after he’s rogered me into next week.”

“I’d have thought you could, for a guy with such talented lips.”

Rimmer’s cheeks turned red, and he rolled over. “Lister.”

“And hold on, you just called me your lifelong enemy? That’s a bit much. We’ve only known each other for what… three million years, give or take a few hundred?”

“Give, actually. And it’s not like you’re my enemy anymore. That stopped around six years ago.” Rimmer sniffed and snuggled up against Lister’s side. His fingers traced lazy patterns on his bare chest, and Lister hummed as he put out the cigarette on the ashtray next to Rimmer’s bunk (underneath the no smoking sign, funnily enough), and he put an arm around his man. Rimmer closed his eyes, and yawned.

“Did I wear you out?”

“No, the yawn was decorative. Yes, I’m smegging tired. If you know what’s good for you, you’ll go to bed too.”

Lister nodded. “Yes, mother.”

“Shut up.” Rimmer pecked his cheek, and tugged the covers up to his chest, head tucked under Lister’s chin.

They were cozy in their little bubble of warmth, Rimmer’s crisply ironed and clean sheets actually made for a much more pleasant sleeping experience than Lister’s bunk, lightly dusted with crumbs and despite Kryten’s best attempts, wrinkled and crumpled from Lister jumping into bed, boots and all, with reckless abandon.

Yes, Lister thinks, closing his eyes too. He could get used to this. Rimmer smelled good- despite the post-coital tang of sweat and bodily fluids, he smelled soapy and fresh. Daily baths instead of the hologramatic showers, Rimmer had explained. Life as Ace taught him to enjoy a break now and then, and that meant taking a long soak in a tub whenever possible to soothe the nerves. 

Lister smiled to himself. It was amazing how Rimmer had changed so much, yet so little, and he felt proud beyond belief as he tightened his grip on the hologram, who was now snoozing away peacefully. His Rimmer, back in his arms, everything he’d been wanting and waiting for. Lister’s heart swelled with joy, and just as he was about to doze off himself, he was startled awake by a loud  _ yeeeoooowwww!!! _

“Alright, looking good! Feeling good! I categorized all my sequins by color, and took three naps! And I found a shiny thing!” Cat spun and twirled around the table gracefully as Lister and Rimmer jolted awake, and Rimmer grabbed onto Lister tightly, almost hiding behind him out of shock. 

“Cat, you can’t just come barging in here-!” 

“Yes, I can! This room, is mine!” Cat spritzed his bottle of perfume in the air indiscriminately. 

Lister sighed, and rubbed his eyes.

“Cat, just get out, me and Rimmer are trying to sleep.”

“No you’re not, goalpost head is somewhere else, since you’re in his bed.” Cat checked himself in the mirror, and nodded in approval.

“Yes, he is. He’s right here behind me.”

“Hah, fat chance, that’d mean he’s sharing the same bed with you, and you’re naked! I don’t think he’d ever-” Cat stopped dead in his tracks as he turned to face Lister, suddenly realizing that Rimmer was hugging Lister around the waist, and they were both naked. In the same bed.

“Hey! No fair, that the major slob on board with not an ounce of fashion sense gets laid more often than I do, even if it’s by Trans-Am Wheel Arch Nostrils!” Cat frowned. 

“Cat, are you saying you’d like to sleep with Rimmer?”

“Ew! No! Nevermind, you two are perfect for each other, I’m saving myself for the right cat!” Cat  _ ow _ ’d vigorously again, and did the electric slide out of the sleeping quarters, his neon pink tiger stripe suit swishing in a blitz of of sequins as he left, a bottle of milk in one hand and a bowl of krispies in the other.

Rimmer rubbed his temples as he lay back down, Lister following.

“Well, at least they know what’s up. Who’s left, Kris?”

“Yeah. Holly, too.”

“No, I think Holly got the message when I asked him to get rid of the projected bedding so I could move in a real mattress, and if I could find a fold out somewhere on this deck before we passed out from alcohol poisoning.”

“We never did find that fold out, but I’d take this bunk over doing it in someone’s old bed any day.”

Rimmer nodded sagely. “I think Kris would understand. Did you know that in another reality, she was the one who set us up together?”

“Her Dave was bi, I’m not surprised.” Lister drummed his fingers against Rimmer’s hip, and pulled him in close, chest pressed to his broad, toned back. “Let’s save Kris for breakfast. Night, Arn.”

“Night, Listy.” Rimmer turned back to give Lister a kiss, and turned back to drop his head on the shared pillow.

\---

Kris dropped her teacup.

“You’re going out with Rimmer?”

“Well, yeah.”

“This Rimmer? The one who drove you up the wall every day?”   
Lister felt a bit embarrassed, but knew he had to power through it.

“I love the guy. C’mon Kris, be nice.”

Kris sighed. “Alright. You have my blessing. But if I didn’t know any better, I’d have thought you’d gone space crazy, finally.”

Lister smiled. 

“I guess you do have to be a bit space crazy to love him, but not in that way.” He turned towards the door of the bunkroom, and saw Rimmer walk by, followed by a skutter. Rimmer paused momentarily, and gave him a smile, which Lister eagerly returned, as he watched him leave, hips swaying in tight velour pants.

Kris watched the whole exchange with some light amazement.

“Huh. You’re right. Everything I’ve heard about him, I’d no idea if he was some sort of nightmare or some sort of heavensent being.” She picked up the shards of porcelain and shook off the tea with some disgust. Lister pushed his own cup of tea towards her, and she took it gratefully.

“He’s neither nor. He’s just his own, smeggish self, and I love him for it.” Lister smiled at her, and Kris felt her heart ache for her own Dave.

“If that’s the case, then… I’m happy for you, Lister. Happy for him, too.”

“Thanks, Kris.”

She smiled.

Later that evening, she packed her bags into Blue Midget, and thinking of the warmth and affection on Lister’s face, how it reflected the same look her Dave got on his when he looked at her, she climbed into the pilot’s seat. She wasn’t sure how she’d get there, but she would alright.

The cargo bay doors opened, and Kristine Kochanski felt free as a bird as the Midget took to open space, and sped off into the distance.

Kris closed her eyes, and could almost imagine the look on her Dave’s face as she’d run into his arms.

Rimmer had his Lister- it was only fair that she’d get her shot at seeing her Dave again.

So with that thought in mind, she kept going, and she would, until she found what she was looking for.

And just like Rimmer had- she’d come back.

For sure, she’d come back.

She’d be back.


End file.
